Leave him

(Originally published in Guyana’s Stabroek News on 22 September 2012)

This week, a wife went to court for throwing the spectacles of another woman into a trench because her husband was rubbing the other woman’s face. Any woman on the face of this planet can sympathise with this wife’s feelings of pain, betrayal and disrespect after seeing what her husband was doing with another woman in public.

Let’s face it; if a man is rubbing the face of another woman in public, he is probably doing much more behind closed doors. A woman is better off without such a man. He will cause her nothing but more hurt and pain if she does not leave him. Yet still, in this story, by tossing the other woman’s glasses into the trench it was the wife who ended up being arrested and in court.

Sisters, we have got to be smarter than to be the one who ends up in court while the cheating man walks away with a smirk on his face. The victim in this scenario was the wife, yet because of the way she reacted, she was the one who was placed before a judge. She should have just walked away and kept walking far away from that man.

There is a Facebook group called Guyanese Sisters. This is a place on the Internet where the women of Guyana (no men allowed) can gather and talk about women’s issues without the input of men.

On Tuesday, one Sister posted the following:

Dear Sisters,

I feel sad. As I await the finalization of my divorce I bump into women who [have been] involved my husband and whom he probably still sees on a regular basis. However, when I see these women all I can think of is how much I despise them and him. They are young, in-experienced and don’t give a damn about who they hurt or their actions. This makes me extremely angry! I try consoling myself by reminding myself that I know better and that I have control over how I feel and while some days this works other days it doesn’t. I know we all make mistakes but surely, these younger women must be from a different species altogether. They just don’t give a damn; in fact, they are even more confrontational than ever about their non-positions with these married men. I try to forgive them and my husband, but I can’t, at least not now. All I can think of doing is throttling him and them for causing me so much grief, but I know they aren’t worth it. It seems I have lost my faith in trusting men and generally think ill of all if not most of them. I don’t know if men like him will ever change or young women like these will ever grow up as some if not most seem contented in their ignorance. However, soon he will no longer be my responsibility and though I care for him I have to think of myself.

I know this woman personally and she is beautiful, smart and very interesting. She also likes to help others. It is beyond me how her husband could write off all of these amazing qualities for lesser choices. Yet in the midst of such pain and betrayal this Sister has shown remarkable restraint – further demonstrating her wisdom and maturity. In a world of immediate gratification, and in the midst of such obvious pain, this Sister has given us an example of how to react to the immense pain that comes from the betrayal of a husband/lover.

While it is true that women do not typically go around killing others because of the hurt caused by a cheating husband, we have seen this week that even something as innocuous as tossing the other woman’s glasses in a trench and walking away can put a woman in deep trouble.

Sisters, don’t react by doing things like this that land you in trouble. It is not worth it.  Just walk away from the whole situation – and far away from that man – and create a better life for yourself. Create a life that is full of joy and contentment, a life that is fulfilling and does not stress you out.

They say that a tiger cannot change his stripes, and while that old adage of “once a cheater, always a cheater” might be true, that does not mean that a woman must stick around to be dragged through all the dirt and grime.

Sisters, do not let a cheating man push you to be something you are not. If you are not a suspicious and jealous woman by nature, do not let a man’s cheating ways force you to change to be anything less than the beautiful person you already are.

I have watched as kind and gentle women are transformed into monsters by the actions of cheating husbands. The emotional and psychological impact on the woman caused by the betrayal and the pain is so great that it forces her to say and do things she would have never dreamed of before.

As the woman fights for the relationship, as she tries with everything in her to make him happy – not understanding that she will never reach that goal – she compromises herself over and over in desperation to be what he wants. And when all her attempts to make him happy fail, her desperation turns to rage and a desire for revenge – but this again is a futile endeavour that will end badly, more so for her than anyone else.

In the end, the cheating husband has pushed the woman to the brink of insanity and moral poverty and then shakes his head in disgust at what he himself created. Sister, do not let a cheater do this to you. Walk away from the very beginning, from the very first time. Walk away and never look back.