Stella Says…Should a man be able to demand sex from “his woman” anytime he wants?

by Stella Ramsaroop

(Originally published in Guyana's Kaieteur News on 17 June 2007)

To some the question of whether a woman should meekly oblige her husband with sex without any protest might seem redundant since in today’s day and age this type of thinking simply should not exist.

However, I come from a very traditional background and I know this thinking does still exist within pockets of our culture. In my column from this past Wednesday I addressed the issue of obedience being required from women by certain types of men under the threat of violence if it is not obtained.

Today I am addressing this idea that sex should be expected from the wife and willingly given - even if she does not want it. It is after talking to a few people and after reading Sweet and Sensitive Freddie’s column on wife-killing and wife-beating that I felt the need to address some of these traditional thoughts that still permeate society.

Allow me to make it clear that I do not desire to invoke some sort of battle of the sexes. It is not my goal to separate the two genders, but to bring them together in a spirit of better understanding and equality.

I do not wish to replace the current patriarchal system (a form of social organization in which the male is the family head and title is traced through the male line) with the former matriarchal system (A society or political/social system in which women hold the power) that existed for thousands of years during much of the Neolithic and pre-historic times.

It is my opinion that one gender should not be in power over the other gender at all, but that both genders should lead the world together in unison and equality. I do not believe this merging of the genders will bring any type of utopian society, but it seems to me that when we see both men and women come together to work on the pressing issues facing the world, this is also when we will see humanity at its best.

Which is why I feel obligated to poke holes into the traditional thought that still lingers in regards to the treatment of women. This is why it is necessary to tell women that they are not obligated to obey men anymore. This is also why topics like obligatory sex must be broached in order to dispel the long-standing notions of male superiority.

And so the question at hand is whether a woman should feel obligated to provide sex for her husband at anytime he requests it. The answer, of course, is an emphatic no. Sex is a human act that should be enjoyed by both genders and if both genders do no enjoy the act, then it simply should not happen.

In fact, sex should not be about satisfying just one person while the other lies flat and watches. When the act is done right, both partners are satisfied during sex and no one feels used or abused. This is the beauty of the physical union of male and female.

Putting aside those silly notions most of our parents believed such as proper women should not enjoy sex or desire sex, we all know that in reality women are sexual beings just like men. Women desire sex and think about sex often – just like men.

Therefore, when it is time to have sex, why on earth would any woman decide that she should be a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am instead of a willing participant of mutually enjoyable act? Selfish partners are such an annoyance, but if you have a man who does not satisfy you sexually, then it is he who needs a lesson or two in this area.

Truth be told, if a man wants frequent sex, then he needs to learn how to effectively seduce his lady – and trust me, women love to be seduced. A little touching here and there, some nice whispers in the ear and a few soft kisses on the neck will go a long way with most women.

Yet some men are so dense that they think they have a right to just walk up and demand sex on the spot. Women do not respond to such demands very well and even if she gives into his demands she will probably feel used when the act is finished – especially if he did not have the common sense or desire to satisfy her.

Old school thought was that sex should be done merely for producing children. We are far past that point in society. Yet this idea that women should be sex toys for men still lingers. What is so ironic about this notion is that when men have an orgasm, they release sperm for reproduction.

This is not true about female orgasms. There is no biological function for the female orgasm in reproduction. Therefore, when a man has an orgasm, it is biologically for the ongoing advancement of our species. However, when a woman has an orgasm – it is for nothing more than her enjoyment.

One could easily deduce from what science currently knows about the male and female orgasms that men are the ones with a function to perform and women are just suppose to enjoy the whole process. Of course, I do not believe either gender should forego the enjoyment of sex, but I simply wanted to point out the obvious.

To answer the question at hand, if a man wants to have frequent sex then he must understand that women are not on earth merely to serve as his plaything. Women are not sex slaves, they are human beings just like men and have needs and desires to be fulfilled just like men.

There are far too many big-headed men walking around thinking they know everything about sex when they do not even know how to take the time to satisfy their own women. There are some who do not care about satisfying their women at all as long as the man is satisfied. Leave these types alone completely – they are not worth a woman’s time.

In short, ladies, the next time your guy has the gall to demand sex without any thought to your feelings on the matter – show him where to find a cold shower and afterwards have a long talk with him about how to please you. Before long you will both be walking around with big smiles on your faces.

Just imagine a world where both the men and the women are sexually satisfied. Gender equality may actually usher in utopia after all.

Email: StellaSays[at]gmail.com