Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Stella says…If I Were President of Guyana, I would…

(Originally published in the Kaieteur News on 04 Oct 2005)

Don’t start worrying your pretty little heads; I am not adding my name to the list of those who want to be the President of Guyana. I don’t even want to start another party, like my friend Peeping Tom, although I do think I would make a great Minister of Groove (hint, hint Peeper).

However, since there are newly forming parties out there that do not seem to have an established platform as yet, I have decided to establish my own and since I have no plans to use this platform, these other parties are free to borrow from any part of it if they wish to do so.

Okay, here we go:

If I were President, I would establish an adopt-a-mile program so organisations, churches, schools, etc., could adopt a portion of a road and help keep it clean from litter. In fact, I would also impose a harsh fine for all the litterbugs and those menacing deviants who don’t know the difference between a toilet and a stranger’s home.

If I were President, I would privatise The Chronicle. As much as I would LOVE to have my very own newspaper to write gobs of columns on important issues such as shopping and dancing, I just don’t think sweet and sensitive Freddie could find the time to be my editor – and I don’t see how The Chronicle could possibly operate effectively under anyone else.

If I were President, unlike The Peeper, I would make the Pumpkin Eater a prime example of how the Diaspora can return home and have a positive impact on the investment climate of the country. Cutting through the red tape would be my platform - not something I promise to do years after being in office. After all, pumpkins don’t look very good when they are covered in red tape.

If I were President, I would never sue a newspaper – even if they hurt my feelings. However, I would keep Smart and Sharp Robert Persaud around since he is so good at spinning and that could come in handy on the dance floor when we are all getting our national groove on.

If I were President, I would build a world-class resort right next to Kaieteur Falls to let the world know that “Guyana is Open for Tourism.” I would also institute Baganara Lime-aid as the official drink of Guyana. This could help sell more rum, thereby creating new jobs and sparking fresh life into the economy.

If I were President, I would ban all forms of Puppet Politics. Important national decisions would be made with the good of the people in mind. I would cut the strings of puppet politicians with the same scissors I use to cut through the red tape. Then I would cut the nametags off of any airport employee who is planting drugs on unsuspecting travellers and give them a prison identification number instead. Those scissors would definitely get some good use.

If I were President, I would start building a road to connect to Brazil…yesterday. I would move heaven and earth to make sure that road is built and then I would open the borders to Brazilian tourists who would visit the new resort at Kaieteur Falls. I would also make huge cuts in import/export taxes, so the Brazilians can share all of their fun stuff with us and we can share all of our fun stuff with them. Everyone would be having tons o’ fun.

If I were President, I would let the world know that we love foreign investors. I would make buttons to pin on the shirts and lapels of those in Parliament so they could wear them everywhere in the country and when they are at official meetings outside the country. I would also teach each of them to hug potential foreign investors as a sign of trust and appreciation for considering Guyana for their business ventures. This brings a whole new definition to open arm economics and we all know that a little hug can go a long way.

If I were President, I would have the mothers of Guyana screen each applicant for the Police Force. Mothers have a knack for knowing if a person is good or crooked and they could help reduce the corruption in law enforcement. Mother’s are also very protective and take their jobs as guardians of their families and society as a whole very seriously. This would mean that the dad’s would have to start helping out around the house more and maybe even learn to make his own dinner. Now, wouldn’t that be a travesty? (Not!)

If I were President, I would plant great smelling flowers in the places where every sewer has backed up – after I have fixed the sewer system. According to Smart and Sharp Robert, it is important to remember our history, and since our history has smelly sewers, I think it is only appropriate to redeem that history with nice smelling flowers.

This is just a small sample of what I consider to be a healthy platform for any of the newly forming parties. Please feel free to use any part of this platform as your own since I will not need it. I believe each of these points to be an obvious issue that should be considered by anyone who want to serve the people of Guyana. In fact, I bet the people could add to this platform exponentially – so why not ask them.

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